A few weeks ago Zor and I attended the hashira weekend workshop in Turin from Kinbaku LuXuria. It was an especially intense workshop for us and I would like to share a little of what I felt, especially during the Nureki San-inspired tie exercise. Zor also enjoyed it a lot as it was very focused on developing kuzushi and personality on the tie. I must say that this is a very personal insight and I can only talk about my own experience, you should find yours. I am very into consensual non-consent and power dynamics and I am aware it's not meant for everyone. Also, hashira ties are very demanding technically, physically and psychologically so get proper tuition.
He put me on my back against the hashira, grabbed my arms behind me and made them hug the pole. I felt the hashira began to conform to my spine, almost as if it wanted to absorb me. The pressure of the ropes in my arms strangely began to distort the rhythm of my breathing. My chest was barely tied but I was short of breath and my legs began to weaken. And every time I managed to adapt, another rope came to defeat me once more.
Then I remembered the stories Red Sabbath had told us minutes before, of so many women in the history who sacrificed themselves for the person they loved, of all the witches condemned to death tied to poles. She also reminded us of the story that Miho San told during Sugiura Sensei's workshop, of that woman in the Edo period in Japan who pleaded guilty to cover up her beloved's crime and endured ishidaki torture until her death. Suddenly, I looked at Zor and something inside me exploded into a thousand pieces.
I felt so connected to them and yet so vulnerable. As if my true self, the one who hides in shyness and conventions had been torn out of me and exposed for all to see. I just wanted him to know that I would had gone as far as he would had asked me to, unconditionally. And I cried, I cried heartbroken, with the certainty that I stopped caring how long he would want me there or what would happen to me. And at the same time, I was deeply ashamed of the idea that anyone could see me in that state. All those eyes staring at me drove me crazy.
He tied my open legs to the pole and I finally was suspended, exposed, and fully ashamed. I couldn't fight it, I just accepted it. Tears streamed down my cheeks quickly as he approached me, lifted my dress, and whispered: "You look so beautiful". My heart was pounding and my panties got hopelessly wet. I just wanted to hold him tightly and thank him for taking me beyond my limits once more, for showing me how strong I am through my suffering.
I remember Riccardo telling us to seek our redemption up there. I don't know if I found it but I did everything I could to get it. I am just a beginner in this hashira path but I am willing to go all the way there with determination, patience and a heart full of love.
The helplessness and absolute surrender are some of the things that make me fall in love with kinbaku every time. Not acrobatics, not looking pretty in a photo, but bringing out a person's darkest desires. And feeling so wonderfully broken is certainly beautiful...